Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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