I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I understand Curling. That high.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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