hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize