I cut my penus on the lid.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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