I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
two words...techno handjob
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
