apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
