Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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