she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
