But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize