Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My ass is underappreciated
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I touched a dick in church today
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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