Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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