bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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