had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
