Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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