I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
