No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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