If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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