If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize