there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
