Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
