Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
