My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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