I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
