Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
