wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
