No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize
