I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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