I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
