god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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