I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
so much tequila, so little girl.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
