U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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