I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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