new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize