i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you would pick up someone in the library
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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