My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
