You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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