I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sext me about skeletons
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I deserve this hangover.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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