This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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