She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
