im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
