she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
