Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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