You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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