I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
