haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
