You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize