i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
