is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
