the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
