A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
