Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
