I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
