My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
