i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
