I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
this hospital has no fireball
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
