I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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