Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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