My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Pants are for mortals
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