Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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