Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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