I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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