You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
another moral hangover. fuck.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
