Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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