you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
