well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize
