if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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